Passing Through DINK
As our adventure
in Asia concluded a new one began. We had finally decided to start a family- or
at least expand our family from the awesome twosome that we were. Being that we
had spent the last ten or so years together as a pair we did not move forward
with this decision lightly. The choice was compounded by the fact that while
conducting my research on DINKs (Dual Income No Kids) I was in constant
conversation with people who had similar misgivings: how would a child affect
our relationship, could we do the things we enjoyed, are we ready??? An excerpt
from my thesis project: Passing through
DINK - a closer look at how couple in the US make the decision to have children, explains our perspective.
1.1 Introduction
Gazing
out under my straw brimmed hat, the world is full of blue. An intense cerulean
sky dives downward and seamlessly merges into an unbelievingly turquoise ocean.
I close my eyes, relaxing and hear the rhythmic sound of the waves gentling
caressing the shell-strewn beach on which I was laying. Further off I could
hear the put, put, put of a boat
engine moving across the water; by the sound of it, one of the smaller wooden
vessels the locals use for fishing. Hearing the crunch of sand nearby, I open
my eyes and smile when I see my husband, pink from hours in the sun, headed
towards me with two mango shakes in hand. He passes the bright yellow drink to
me with a smile and then settles down on his lounger, and begins reading from
his Kindle. I take a sip, glance at him, and am filled with a feeling of
complete contentment.
The
remote Gili Islands (a redundant phrase as Gili actually means “island” in
Indonesian) were the last stop of a three-month tour[1] through Asia for my
husband and me. We had arrived at this beach paradise half way around the world
from our home in Atlanta, Georgia after years of dreaming, planning, and
saving. We had both put a lot of time and energy into our educations and
careers and with the culmination of his residency in Neurology we felt that we
would have no better time to spend a dedicated period of time together doing
what we both love—traveling. Especially because we knew that at some point we
would like to have children making it more difficult to do it unencumbered.
We
did not see this trip as frivolous or selfish. Instead, we viewed it as a way
to grow as both individuals and as a couple. Anyone who has traveled
extensively understands that it requires patience and perseverance. They also
know it can open your eyes to varying possibilities for living, helping you to
gain perspective in your own life. Sitting there on the beach next to my
husband I reflected on the past three months and everything we had experienced
together. Our patience had surely been tested, from lack of hotel rooms to
pushy taxi drivers, but we, as a couple, had risen above the stress and had
persevered. We had learned an incredible amount in the short three months we
had been traveling together—he needs to keep his sugar levels up to avoid
crankiness and I need a decent night’s sleep for the same reason. The lessons
we learned from travel helped us feel even more confident in making our future
together. In addition, the trip allowed us dedicated fun time for just the two
of us. We were able to do, see, experience anything we wanted at any time. This
brought a new intimacy to our relationship and provided memories we will
cherish for a lifetime. I was happy with our choice to delay other aspects of
our life—education, careers, children—in order to go on this adventure. We had
made the right decision for us. I laid back, pulled my hat over my eyes and
went to sleep happy.
Having accomplished many of our
personal goals, professionally and with the trip, we both felt the timing was
right. Looking back, I am not really sure why we thought this.
2012 will probably prove to be one of
our most stressful years on record. I was finishing up my thesis research,
analysis, and writing my manuscript. In addition, I had some how managed to
schedule my last in-class requirement to be the most difficult class I had
while in graduate school. And to top it off I had decided to start nannying
again (in addition to being a Grad Assistant) to contribute to the family's
coffers. Meanwhile, Pearce was finishing up fellowship in Epilepsy while
looking for jobs both in Georgia and in other states (not to mention publishing
an article, giving countless lectures, moonlighting, and training aggressively
for a triathlon). Oh and we decided to put our house on the market. Sounds like
perfect timing right? Well, I think we figured- there is no perfect time- so as
our favorite Vietnamese seamstress would say, "Why not?"
The road to the "plus sign"
was not as smooth as I thought it would be. For someone who is used to
achieving her goals through hard work, I was surprised when we did not get
pregnant that first month-- and I assure you we did "work hard." I
thought that maybe if I took a more scientific approach by charting my
"high ovulation" times we could better concentrate our efforts.
Again, fail. I am not a patient person, I make a decision and go with it. This
lack of desired result was very frustrating to me. My rational side understood
the average time it takes to get pregnant is six months, and it is only after a
year that you start looking at what could be causing the delay. My genetically
driven Type A personality was like WTF. The third month we again changed up the
strategy and decided to try the "every other day" strategy that we
had heard through the pregnancy rumor mill worked for so many couples. In this
case, the rumor mill was right-- thankfully, third time was the charm. Again, from my thesis.
6.5 A Personal Reflection
One late
autumn’s morning, I busied myself around the house moving from box to box:
filling, taping and labeling. We were in the process of trying to get our house
ready to sell, but really, I was striving to stay calm through distraction.
Tick tick tick. It was not working very well, as I kept looking towards the
bathroom where my, and my husband’s future was being decided. Tick tick tick.
We were on our third month of trying to conceive a baby and both of us,
self-proclaimed over-achievers, were getting a little frustrated with the lack
of the desired result. Tick tick tick. I looked over at the oven clock
anxiously and saw that the allotted time was up; I was or I wasn’t. I decided
to give it extra time so there could be no doubt. Tick tick tick. After five
more minutes of aimlessly packing, I worked up the courage to check the
results. On the way to the bathroom I kept silently chanting to myself that I
probably wasn’t pregnant. After all, I hadn’t been the two times before. With a
deep breath, I hesitantly glanced down at the pregnancy test and there before
me was what I had hoped to see, “Pregnant”. With one small word, the life my
husband and I had known and loved was going to be forever changed. We were
passing through DINK.
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